There are lots of things in my life that I regret. The difference is, I regret that I did something, but I don’t regret that it happened. The outcome of a decision I made might be terrible, but I made it. It was meant to happen. At least that’s how I look at it. I have to remind myself of this theory everyday. Sure there are things that ARE in my realm of control (Which I love), but almost everything is out of my control. Things happen, because they were meant to happen. I can’t control everything.
The thing about anxiety is, you’re always wondering what shoe is going to drop next. You’re anxious about the fact you don’t know the future, and you’re not sure what’s on the horizon for you and the people you love. That however, is life. In life’s worst moments, I need to remind myself that this is in some sort of way out of my control. What’s the worst that will happen?
This is a short post, but I had a weird onslaught of dreams that involve people I haven’t talked to in years last night. When I woke up this morning I felt like I needed to write this theory down and emphasis its importance. Sometimes in life, you need to be selfish. It’s how you balance selfishness and selflessness that really matters. Don’t be a jerk, but also don’t deny yourself of happiness. Much easier said then done. I’m going to try and continue to toe the line. It’s just hard to see friends go sometimes, even if it for the best that they’re not in your life anymore.
I find myself constantly scaring myself before I go to sleep. It could be anything really. It could be about my job, my family, work, ghosts, etc. I tend to do this only when I’m on the brink of dreaming and sleeping as well.
1.One time I just HEARD about the plot of It Follows, and was terrified for two nights.
2. Did I lock my doors? I know I did. I’m almost positive I did, but I’m going to check them anyway.
3. Did I send that email? Did I remember to finish that proposal? This always happens. I still have nightmares about a previous job, high school and college. Luckily, no more I’m naked and I don’t know why because I’m in public dreams. Yayyyy!
4. How many hours sleep will I get if I start sleeping now? What about now? Now? This is why I have stopped having a visible alarm clock.
5. Do I have time to get good coffee in the morning? I always have elaborate plans at night….they usually don’t pan out.
6. I should work out in the morning. I need to work out more.
7. Do spiders really crawl into our mouths while we’re sleeping? I heard that’s a myth but… do they?
8. Every embarrassing or cringe worthy moment I’ve ever had just hit me. Crap.
9. Why am I not tired? Think of boring things. Think of boring things. Ooooh what if I got a puppy? That’d be awesome. Damn. That’s not boring.
10. I usually think of a really interesting story or song idea right as I’m about to sleep. Then I debate on writing it down but usually opt for I’ll remember in the morning, which I never do. Sigh.
What do you think about before you go to sleep?
Hey everyone! I know I never post anymore, but I’m trying to get back into the swing of things. I really do miss writing but I’ve been taking a mental health break because a lot of crap has been going on. I’m fine, but I needed some downtime and wanted to give myself the least amount of responsibility as possible. I was balancing wayyyyy too many things. Anyways, while I was gone these were the things that kept me sane. I hope these tips can work for you!
- Sometimes you need to take a sick day when you’re not sick. When you feel like you’re at a breaking point, take a day off. Nothing is worse than an emotional explosion that has you crying in public. Try to avoid these situations by take a mental health day and allowing yourself to sleep in and unwind.
- Think of projects that can keep you busy. Are you like me and have a yard that looks like Secret Garden, but like the first shot of the garden where everything is dead and sad and it looks abandoned? Yeah, you might want to spruce it up. Even if you’re lacking some cash just rake a few leaves, or pull some weeds around your home. It’ll make you feel better and your neighbors might appreciate you a bit more. Don’t have a garden? Sew, play video games, do a puzzle, cook or scrapbook. Productivity is key. I tend to make lists of all the things I need to do. I love crossing things off when they’re done.
- Let yourself get lost in a TV show or book. I personally find myself wrapped up in books but occasionally I will get way too obsessed with characters in a show (Game of Thrones stresses me out on a weekly basis).
- Find a new place to go. I like to try new places, it takes me out of my comfort zone and puts me in a whole new mindset.
- Help someone with an issue they’re having or make someone’s day better. I like cooking and baking so I’ll make someone something and it’s my little way of improving someone’s day.
- Ask yourself, if this going to damage or change my life in the next year, in the next five years or the next ten years? If the answers to one or all of those are yes, then well you have a bit of a problem on your hands. You might want to dwell on the issue for a moment, but don’t let it consume you. Realize that you will have this problem for awhile and that you have time to think it over. If the answer to all of those questions are no; don’t spend time on it. It’s going to be over, it sucked but move on.
- Hike or exercise. I usually am bad at taking this advice, but when I do finally get my butt in gear, it helps. I also hate jogging, thanks Parks and Recreation, so I mainly find sports/activities that make me forget I’m working out.
- Write down everything that makes you happy. It sounds dumb but when you finish the list (most of the time) you will see all of the things that make you feel happy and want to reconsider your bad mood/mindset.
- Listen to music. It could be really sad, happy or really loud. I personally go back to me “emo” days and listen to screamo music and shout the lyrics. However, listening to sad music makes me more pensive and I end up writing.
- Scream curse words (hopefully in a place where people won’t stare at you… unless that’s your thing). Say the worst things imaginable. This relieves stress, believe me. However, curse responsibly 🙂 .
How do you maintain your mental health?
I have talked about having anxiety before, but I have never delved into the topic. I have started many entries with this subject in mind but I have never published them because I was afraid to talk about it, or admit my problem, if you will. While I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed, since I have nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s hard for me to admit when I am not in control of my own body. Having anxiety is a subject that is relatively new to me. I never really dealt with anxiety until three and a half years ago when I moved out of my parent’s house. Perhaps my anxiety started because I was living on my own for the first time, or maybe it was because I was in my mid twenties and was truly growing up for the first time. Working full time in general was stressful. I’m not sure if these factors contributed to the anxiety, but I do know that when I moved out, everything changed.
I love living on my own and having my own sense of independence, but when I moved out, it was a drastic change. I hate to quote, oh who am I kidding I love to quote, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” However, Ben Parker in Spiderman was right. When I moved out I had a whole new outlook on life and myself. I no longer had the option to work full time, I had to. I had all of these bills to pay and life became increasingly more serious as time went on. Despite the benefits of being an adult, there are always cons, but I never thought I would be one to handle these responsibilities with fear.
The annoying thing about anxiety is the lack of sensibility about the ordeal you’re going through. Brushing off the conflict is usually unfathomable, or at least it is for me. I can somewhat reason with myself, but other times I have to concentrate on small things that are insignificant to take the focus off of my worries. Breathing is a huge part of it. I sometimes can’t tell if I’m having an asthma or panic attack. Granted, I usually need my inhaler after I have a panic attack, so they probably go hand in hand. I concentrate on my breathing because I don’t want my blood pressure to rise anymore than it probably already is. I spell difficult words in my mind, I exercise. This is how I keep a small shred of sanity. I also talk to one of my best friends who can commiserate with me and knows how to calm me down. My boyfriend also has a knack at putting my mind at ease.
Since I have admitted that I have this problem, I encourage others to do so as well. I hate saying that exercising has helped because I feel like I’m going against my Gilmore Girls tendencies by working out (Despite the fact that Gilmore Girls probably shouldn’t be hating on the exercise as much as they do) but being healthy helps. I’m hoping that since I don’t have extreme anxiety that I can go through my life by making minor adjustments and learning new coping techniques. However, I am trying to keep my feelings in check and I’m monitoring if these new routines and techniques are helping in case I might need further help.
This post was presented in a more conversational format than usual because I am merely talking about my experience and I would love the advice of others. I really am uneducated about anxiety but I’d always love to learn more. So please feel free to comment with advice or with your experiences. Thank you!
Hey everyone, so this is a rather dysfunctional/unattainable list of things I want for Christmas. I realized that when you’re an adult your wants and needs change a bit; hope this makes you smile!
- I want a dog. I know what you’re thinking, isn’t that possible? Nope. I wouldn’t be home enough with the dog and vet bills and food are outrageously expensive.
- I really want someone to do yard work for me in the summer. You know that ugly rug that’s on my outdoor steps? Yeah, can you get rid of that and make it look less disgusting? Thanks! Would you like to plant the flowers that make my home look less lame? Awesome.
- I really want a three week trip to Italy and then Spain and London so I can visit my bestie. Get on that.
- An unreasonable amount of coffee, while we’re at it can it just somehow replenish itself automatically.
- Ditto on some craft beer, preferably Rubus Cacao from MadTree.
- Less anxiety. Yeah that’s be great. Could I just cut that personality trait out of my life. It’s be awesome to not have a mini freakout once a day… or at least could I not freak out AS much.
- I don’t want anybody to tell me to jazz it up or put my creative juices into something I’m doing. Whether it’s decorating or creating a fluer. One, juice sounds gross unless you’re talking about fruit (Still gross if it’s vegetable). Two, jazz isn’t all that funky. It’s mainstream…. kind of.
- I really want to watch Christmas movies but I only want the parts I like. So I want a basic cutout of each of the movies I want to see to be apart of one long montage. Yep.
- I want to be able to sleep when I want to sleep. Like an on and off switch. I keep falling asleep at parties and it’s starting to become a problem.
- Lastly I want all of my family and friends to be happy. I want this more than anything. This has been a really good year for me for multiple reasons, but I know that’s just how I feel. I want everyone I love to be healthy, happy and singing some She and Him Christmas songs. A girl can dream!
What unattainable things do you want for Christmas?
When I was in high school, everyone told me that I would outgrow my insecurities. They told me that I’d be more confident in my appearance, be more loving towards my flaws and that I would be more confident about my intellect. I felt like this Mean Girls clip, except I was definitely not popular in high school. Over the years I do admit that I have a handle on these things. However, nobody told me that I would gain new insecurities. I thought that adults knew everything, and knew what to do. Sure, I might have an idea of who I am and where I want to go in life (Which is a first, believe me), but everyone is insecure. You don’t outgrow it!
Instead of being concerned about my appearance, I’m more concerned about my banking statements. Instead of wondering if I’m smart enough to get through high school, I worry about my work experience and if I’m good at my job. I constantly feel like I’m freaking out about something or the status of where my life is headed. How’s my relationship with my family, friends, or my boyfriend and does my boss think I’m a good worker? These are the things that I get all tangled up about. The only silver lining in all of this is that I know when I’m being annoying and insecure. I can be a brat and become incredibly inept at handling my situations just because I’m “having a moment”. However, I have the problem where I can’t get over myself in the moment. I realize how insane I’m being, but that doesn’t exactly stop me.
I like to think I’m incredibly self aware, but I have no follow through. I turned 27 in November and I think it has me all sorts of confused. I’m fine, I know that I will snap out of it and get on with my life, but I didn’t expect this age to hit me as hard as it did. One of the biggest steps to having a problem is admitting it, right? I believe that a lot of people are going through this realization…. well at least I am. This is why I titled my blog the way I did. I want to be an adult, I want to grow up. Hell, I’m Peter Pan’s worst enemy! I think this is a new step. I need to accept that insecurities, come with the territory. I have a great life, and now I need to live it. That’s the thing, going through adulthood doesn’t mean you’ve got it all figured out.
How do you deal with your insecurities?
Hey everyone, it’s Top Ten Tuesday! Since I’ve had all this anxiety stuff going on I decided I should focus on the good things in my life and focus on what makes me happy.
1. Food. I love food, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I plan my day around what meal I’m going to have next, and I get excited by it. Genuinely. Am I going to have hibatchi for lunch today? Well today is going to be fabulous then. I’m going to Bunbury Music Festival this weekend and all I can think about is the fact that I can have Eli’s Barbecue everyday while watching amazing music…. I swear I care about the music too.
2. Coffee. As I’ve said before, I am a coffee addict. I love coffee, and I think coffee loves me too. We have a beautiful relationship, don’t judge.
3. Traveling. I get so excited for the smallest of trips. I’m planning on going to Chicago and Washington D.C. this summer and I’m beyond pumped. I’ve never been to D.C. and cannot wait to check it out! I’m hoping to go to Europe next year to visit my best friend while he’s teaching in Spain… is this possible? Maybe. I’m going to try and make it there because I miss going outside the country and visiting somewhere new. Plus, I think I’ll miss him too much and need a fix before he comes home.
4. People. My family, my boyfriend and my friends can make my day better in an instant. I’m one of those people who usually feels better when they’re around people. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy curling up with some wine and a good book at my house, but I also need to be around people to really recharge sometimes. Some of my happiest moments in life are being with people I care about.
5. Singing. I sing all the time. Even when I talk I tend to do the Zooey Deschanel singing random words thing she does in New Girl. It’s something that I’m not the absolute best at, but it does make me forget about my problems. Plus, when you actually hit that note you didn’t think you could hit, you feel like a star…. Yes I did watch too much Glee in the early seasons.
6. Writing. If I write a line I really like or I have a killer idea, I can accept that and feel proud of myself. Granted, it doesn’t happen often but it’s nice when it does.
7. Music, film, books or plays-the arts really. I can’t play an instrument, I can’t act all that well and I definitely cannot draw. So seeing someone else doing these amazing things makes me jealous in the best possible way. I love creative people and I’m amazed by art everyday. There’s so many things worth looking at out there.
8. The beach. I’ve been to the beach before but when I do get to see the ocean I act like a kid again. I went to Destin, Florida last year with my best friend and I reverted immediately back to when I was eight and use to play in the water. I hope to go back to the beach or at least to a lake here soon!
9. Summer. There’s something so hopeful about warm weather to me. I think it’s because I associate warm weather with happiness because I use to have the summer to myself. Every kid looks forward to summer break, and I still let the weather influence my mood.
10. Learning something new. I completely admit that I don’t know everything… not even close. So when I figure out how to do something new, I am floored. From time to time I impress myself by learning something I never thought I’d get the hang of.
What makes you insanely happy?