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Ten Things I Think About When I Wake Up

I don’t understand morning people. I have never been, nor will I ever be, a morning person. I love sleep, and morning rudely interrupts it…. everyday. I love my sleep so much, that my boyfriend even says I have a Jekyll and Hyde mentality (In a loving way). I’m a happy, loving person during the day, and a jerk at night (I  usually don’t even realize I’m being mean. It seems rational to me at the time). So…. that being said. Here are the ten things I think about when I wake up each morning!

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1. WHYYYYYYYY?!?!

2. SNOOOZEEE. Must hit snooozzze!

3. If I get up to go to the bathroom, will the dog wake up? The answer is always yes.

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But how can you deny this face in the morning?

4. Is it a weekend or do I have to go to work? Either way, can I tell everyone I’m sick and go back to sleep?

5. Let me think about what I can wear today. That will save time and I can go back to sleep.

6.I have no idea what to wear, why can’t I remember what I have in my closet?

7. Coffee. NEEEDDDD COFFEE.

8. If I go back to sleep for a bit without setting an alarm, will I be late?

9. Why do I keep dreaming that I failed out of high school and college? I don’t work at the library anymore, so why do I keep dreaming I’m late for work?

10. I cannot wait to go to sleep tonight!

Hey guys! I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m a bit obsessed with doing top ten lists. Hope you liked this one!

My Experience With Anxiety

I have talked about having anxiety before, but I have never delved into the topic. I have started many entries with this subject in mind but I have never published them because I was afraid to talk about it, or admit my problem, if you will. While I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed, since I have nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s hard for me to admit when I am not in control of my own body. Having anxiety is a subject that is relatively new to me. I never really dealt with anxiety until three and a half years ago when I moved out of my parent’s house. Perhaps my anxiety started because I was living on my own for the first time, or maybe it was because I was in my mid twenties and was truly growing up for the first time. Working full time in general was stressful. I’m not sure if these factors contributed to the anxiety, but I do know that when I moved out, everything changed.

I love living on my own and having my own sense of independence, but when I moved out, it was a drastic change. I hate to quote, oh who am I kidding I love to quote, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” However, Ben Parker in Spiderman was right. When I moved out I had a whole new outlook on life and myself. I no longer had the option to work full time, I had to. I had all of these bills to pay and life became increasingly more serious as time went on. Despite the benefits of being an adult, there are always cons, but I never thought I would be one to handle these responsibilities with fear.

The annoying thing about anxiety is the lack of sensibility about the ordeal you’re going through. Brushing off the conflict is usually unfathomable, or at least it is for me. I can somewhat reason with myself, but other times I have to concentrate on small things that are insignificant to take the focus off of my worries. Breathing is a huge part of it. I sometimes can’t tell if I’m having an asthma or panic attack. Granted, I usually need my inhaler after I have a panic attack, so they probably go hand in hand. I concentrate on my breathing because I don’t want my blood pressure to rise anymore than it probably already is. I spell difficult words in my mind, I exercise. This is how I keep a small shred of sanity. I also talk to one of my best friends who can commiserate with me and knows how to calm me down. My boyfriend also has a knack at putting my mind at ease.

Since I have admitted that I have this problem, I encourage others to do so as well. I hate saying that exercising has helped because I feel like I’m going against my Gilmore Girls tendencies by working out (Despite the fact that Gilmore Girls probably shouldn’t be hating on the exercise as much as they do) but being healthy helps. I’m hoping that since I don’t have extreme anxiety that I can go through my life by making minor adjustments and learning new coping techniques. However, I am trying to keep my feelings in check and I’m monitoring if these new routines and techniques are helping in case I might need further help.

 

This post was presented in a more conversational format than usual because I am merely talking about my experience and I would love the advice of others. I really am uneducated about anxiety but I’d always love to learn more. So please feel free to comment with advice or with your experiences. Thank you!

 

Bringing Sexy Back? (Gym Rant)

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Ok, so I hate the gym. I abhor the gym. I hate that our bodies can’t naturally become thin and healthy despite us being lazy and eating crappy food, but that’s not how life works. Unfortunately, once you’re in your mid twenties you will realize that losing weight isn’t an easy feat to accomplish. If you want to lose weight you can’t eat the way that you used to or be lazy like you used to. You have to get out there and actually make an effort. This can be a good thing. Forcing yourself to become more productive and eat healthier makes you feel better and more accomplished. However, it’s hard. That’s why it’s a pain!

Gilmore Girls had both a slightly bad and good influence on me when I was in high school. On one hand they told me to eat whatever I want, and to never worry about what others say or think about you, which was good. On the other hand, they ate junk food and never worked out and looked like runway models the majority of the time… problem. I have always been a thinner individual, my 5’2 frame helped me out a bit in this arena, but I also am a picky and slow eater who is lactose intolerant and hates condiments. Otherwise, I would be in much worse shape. Despite this fact, I have always had a problem with the way I looked and felt about my body. It’s always been an issue. Instead of complaining about gaining weight, I’ve been trying to go to the gym. Going to the gym though, has now become it’s own issue.

BuzzFeed’s video sums up pretty much most, if not all of my gym problems. If I go to the gym I constantly feel awkward. One thing they didn’t mention in the video as much was not knowing how to work machines. Most of the time I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m afraid to ask a trainer though because I don’t want paid lessons or paid help, therefore, I guess what to do.  I start using a machine one way and keep going. On occasion people will stop and tell me that I’m doing it wrong and I can’t tell if they know if I’m really doing it correctly or not. Usually this leaves me to going back to the machines that I do know how use and going about my business. I know that most people are trying to help, but I go to the gym to work out and leave. This is not a place I go to chat and socialize. I literally want to leave as soon as possible but still feel productive and worked out. Also, most machines and routines make me feel like a ninny or over sexualized. I don’t like attention, especially at the gym. If I feel like I have an “audience” I will walk away and make it as an excuse to never return.

What encourages you to go to the gym? What do you hate about the gym?

The Boyfriend Box

Ah yes, the boyfriend/girlfriend box. Going through a breakup can be difficult, and it’s especially hard to let go people… and the things that remind you of them. I’m entirely guilty of having a boyfriend box. The box mainly contains odds and ends of things that I feel guilty throwing away or things that at the time I wasn’t ready to part with. There’s some drawings, a few hand written notes, photos, a mixed CD or two, etc. I mainly keep the box in case I was finally ready to take something out and use it again (Like a necklace or a shirt), but for the most part the box stays closed and untouched in my closet. I used to think that it would be something that would be interesting to show my kids one day….. not exactly sure why. For some odd reason I thought it would be interesting for my kids to look through? Like hey kids, your mom used to date other people than your father. It’s normal…. Yeah, I don’t really know why I thought that was a genius idea. 

So now, I am stuck with this box in my closet. I feel weird about throwing it away because it is kind of neat to see how I grew up and how far I have come, but on the other hand I don’t feel attached to the items anymore. I have a flashdrive filled of photos of me and this guy I used to date. We took photos of us at the park, vacations, when we went out, etc. So I have all these photos of us kissing or holding hands and I want to throw it out. Easier said than done. I have to delete the photos off the drive. I thought that me and this guy would get back together eventually so I kept things “just in case”. Which is fine… I guess. I was young. Don’t judge me. However, now I have to go through the process of taking those things and disposing them. I equate it to going through old journal entries, it’s really fricking painful. If the person hurt you those terrible feelings resurface and make you feel crappy all over again. It doesn’t matter that I’m over him, it’s still the, “wow that really sucked when I went through that feeling”. Saying goodbye to a person in your life is hard. Unless your inhuman or emotionally unattached from the world, it hurts. 

I feel like the trashing of the boyfriend box has to be done for many reasons. Mainly because it’s kind of weird (Contrary to what the GIlmore Girls taught me), but also because if I do finally settle down I will want to throw it out anyway. So, what are your thoughts? Are boyfriend/girlfriend boxes normal or a good idea? 

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